[don't you know that's okay]

until someone loves you, i'll keep you safe

[one more shadow leans against the wall]

it is very, very quiet in the ch today, all the students gone for the holiday weekend a day early, and probably half the university employees, too. it seems like there's even less car traffic than usual, or maybe that was just the early morning feel of things. the sky is very blue.


my boss has failed to appear thus far today, which has relegated my day to a total useless waste; i would rather be home in sweatpants watching sportscenter than in the office, but in the office i am and in the office i will stay until at least 1 pm, because it's good to leave the house sometimes.

tomorrow my parents are putting my new nikon D60 into my hands, and i can't think about that too much or i start to tip over with barely restrained unabashed joy. instead i'm distracting myself by looking at old pentax 35mm cameras on ebay and reading photo blogs.

[is there sunlight on your bed]

street photography -- taking pictures of strangers -- is one of the photographic things that scares me most. that said, i may try this project after the new year, resolve to get better at doing the photographic things that freak me.


that, and also convince the american aquarium boys to let me shoot a series of promo photos that involve them wearing suits and standing in the shallow end of a swimming pool. and also have a real official photo show somewhere that strangers will look at my pictures.

[don't you know it's your disaster now?]

the south san gabriel/centro-matic show last night was so unbelievably good, so unbelievably exactly what i needed (will's huge cinematic noisy complex music thundering through my chest), that i can't even manage to put words to it. not the best show i've seen all year, but maybe the one that was the most necessary.


and then i had this conversation with will afterwards:

me: blah blah blah love the new album blah blah blah glad you came back because we missed you in june, we were out of town seeing someone else.
will: yeah? who?
me: jason isbell.
will: :D :D :D :D YOU SAW A BETTER SHOW, GOING TO SEE JASON.

will johnson, you are trufax my favorite this morning.

[adding up the cost of these dreams]

i've had wildly swinging moods all day, and it's so exhausting in so many ways. i woke up elated and energized -- OBAMA PRESIDENCY -- and then i swung back to panic attack and frustration and loneliness -- racist butthurt republicans at work, several systems not working the way they're supposed to, getting yelled at for something that wasn't my fault -- and then i told a. all the things that made me scared and sad, and i walked out of the office and it was suddenly sunny, rainy skies clearing like hope, and surprisingly warm, even for north carolina in november, and i feel peaceful and centered again.


i managed to bookend the election with a drive-by truckers show on the eve before -- patterson hood in a barack & roll t-shirt, a gut-punching version of "angels and fuselage" (and i'm scared shitless of what's coming next) -- and a mountain goats show the night after, john darnielle playing songs that make me cry in what's close enough to his current home to be the hometown show.

i keep feeling like something's about to break, be it good or bad, and i am just waiting. i have things to look forward to, i have things that make me sad and scared and angry. it's all a very delicate balance, and it takes all the energy i have to keep it hanging there. it's worth waiting, i think.