[a real soft girl who's having real hard times]

woke up with craig finn singing there's always other boys, there's always other boyfriends (and you can make them like you) in my head this morning, and have proceeded to listen to my hold steady albums in chronological order, once i back-listened to my podcasts.


there's something fascinating and sad about their music; i think it's the kind of music i needed when i was in college. back then, a friend once called me "a hot mess", which was pretty accurate at the time -- i liked drama for drama's sake, the rush of causing a scene just because i could. these days i mostly don't feel either, but i'd rather lose the messy part with the hot than keep both.

i defined myself by being a mess for most of my life, i was crazy in that strange desperate attractive sort of way, the way that makes men want to fix you and then go crazy themselves when they can't, and it still sometimes startles me when -- even if i can't figure out how to talk to guys like a normal human being, even if i still sometimes cry over stupid things without provocation -- it startles me when i look at my life and realize i'm not so much of a mess anymore. it isn't what defines me. i don't know what does, or if anything needs to. but that's okay.

[you're the shit and i'm knee deep in it]

i had the most lovely, relaxing, happy weekend, but tonight i can't stop listening to frightened rabbit's "my backwards walk" and it's making me inexplicably bone-tired and sad.


sometimes even all the happiness and contentment with my life can't combat the fact that i wish i had someone to keep me warm at night.