[a tournament, a tournament, a tournament of -- ]

driving the back roads home from t.'s house tonight, i surprised myself by bursting into tears while listening to a cover of "it's the end of the world as we know it (and i feel fine)" that features patterson hood harmonizing on the it's time i had some time alone line.


i'm pretty in control of my emotions lately -- other people's feelings have nothing to do with mine, i know what to do when i feel myself spiraling in a dangerous direction, etc, etc, blah blah fucking blah living with depression and anxiety is a full-time job -- but one minute i was listening to this joyous, enormous mess of a cover that featured about 20 people on stage, and the next minute, WHAM. SPONTANEOUS WEEPING.

in 1999, i sat on my ex-boyfriend TC's dorm room floor in binghamton, new york, and listened to the suny-binghamton radio station announce that bill berry was leaving r.e.m., and then they played that song. i'd never noticed that line, it's time i had some time alone, before that day. i can't listen to automatic for the people without thinking of TC, even ten years after we split up. i have a lot of ex-boyfriends, but the important ones are The Ex, with whom i broke up a year ago this july, and TC, who i still regret and still miss, every day.

it's time i had some time alone.